When You've Reached Your Limit

I sometimes think that the purpose of this blog is to show how imperfect a writer I am. However, I also hope that perhaps it will be an encouragement to other writers that we *don't* have to be perfect!

The last month or so I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed. I really couldn't put a finger on what it was in my life that was stressing me out so much, but I definitely knew it was there. When I woke up sick on Sunday morning with a 'stress and lack of sleep' migraine, I knew that I really needed to reevaluate my schedule and life.

I began looking at what I had been doing the past couple of months. I have just started directing a drama group all on my own, and, a couple weeks into the semester, I was pulled in as a 'fill in' actor for another group. So directing and acting (thankfully a small part on the acting side, but still acting nonetheless). Then we just started up our busy season for the ranch- bull sales. Went to Oklahoma, and we have Tucumcari, Belen and Montana still to come. Then, we're also still in the middle of calving (which doesn't include me all that much, but I still feel involved). Oh, and to top it all off, I was trying to write over 50,000 in about two weeks.

Huh.

I just couldn't figure out what was going on! I mean, I knew I had lots going, but seriously? I can handle this. Right?

Wrong. After an emotional breakdown last night, and a wonderful, wisdom filled conversation with my mom and, later on, my dad, I realized what my problem was. I simply had too much going on. As my mom and I talked, I realized that one of the things that was stressing me out the most was trying to finish this book in time for CAPE convention this April. I knew that I would really be straining to get it done, but one of the things I realized and what scared me the most? I wasn't enjoying writing.

In fact, I pretty much hated it. I wasn't getting inspiration for my story, and I had gotten into the 'writer's block rut' where I was simply writing just to get a word count in. Not a wise idea. And it has always been the biggest pet peeve to me. I used to say (and still do, sometimes) "forget the word count and just write a story!"  Who cares if it passes up the 50,000 word count in order to qualify for a 'novella' or what have you. Write the story, write it well, and be content. I told my mom that if I were to get my story published by convention, I wouldn't be proud of it. I wouldn't be satisfied with the way it turned out because I would know it was slapped together.

That's when I realized something.

I'm not a professional author.

I thought perhaps that idea might alarm me, but actually, it brought a lot of peace. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't write because I want to make money with my writing skills. I write because I love it. I love the thrill of developing characters and the shivers I get when I construct a great sentence. I love it when I feel proud of the story I wrote. It's even better when I know that I did my best and that it turned out well.

Most importantly, I love being able to write to the Glory of God. However, if I am writing just to write and become famous, or churn out so many books a year with no inspiration from Him, what sort of a writer am I? I fall into the common writer's category of folks who just want to make a living off of writing. Now, before I go further, I do want to say that there are several authors that I enjoy that know how to write a book, but they also know how to write several books in a year. I admire them for it, and I praise the Lord that there are authors out there like that. However, I have realized that it isn't my dream to be famous. It used to be, yes (yeah, I was determined to go on Oprah Winfrey and on all major news stations as being the youngest writer who could write an amazing book.. oh, and let's not forget the New York Time's best seller.). However, that dream has been changed into something else. I want to write because I love it. I don't mind if people don't like my stories. That's ok. If I get a 2 star review, it might hurt for a bit, but it really won't bother me in the long run because I don't want to make it a business to write.

A wise 'Titus 2 woman' friend of mine once told me, "Yup, once I started doing such and such for a business I really didn't enjoy it anymore... so be careful what you turn into a business". Of course, there are lots of people out there who have turned a passion into a business and, more often than not, you have to have a passion for what you do in order to keep it thriving.

I guess I'm just one of those people who need to learn how to keep a business while still having the passion for what I do.

So, all this to say that I have decided I won't have a book ready for convention in April. I will go to convention with my one book that I published last year, and I will be proud of it. Then I will just tell other folks about the new book coming out in the summer. Then, I'll have more time to get it done, but I'll still have a deadline (I do better with those). =)

Now to all you new authors (and perhaps 'older' authors who have been doing this for a while). Don't be afraid to admit when you've got too much on your plate. It's better to back out of a few things than to do a bunch of things halfheartedly or to realize that you didn't do a good job on all of the things you signed up for. I would much rather do a few things in life and be proud of how I did and feel satisfied and content than to be overloaded and burn out way too quickly.

I'm off to enjoy a less stressful, more enjoyable month of writing. Feeling very much at peace with the decision the Lord helped me to make (I think He has probably been telling me to do this for a long time, and I just haven't wanted to admit it...). I'll just look forward to releasing a book in the summer.

Toodlepip and Cheerio, my author friends!