"Sire, I have failed thee..."

Sir Hawthorn waited outside the King's chamber. He was nervous, which was unusual. On a normal day while visiting his King, he felt at peace, happy, and in awe to be in the presence of such a King as he had the pleasure of serving. But today... today was different. He had no happy tidings to bring, no questions or requests that needed answering. Today he was only to give an account of the recent quest he had returned from. 

"The King will see you now," the page announced. Sir Hawthorn jumped slightly, being drawn out of his reverie rather suddenly. He stood, nodded, straightened his uniform, and followed the page's lead. He tried to calm the nervous butterflies in his stomach, but to no avail. How was one supposed to even prepare for such a task as this?

As he entered his King's chamber, he took a deep breath and kept his eyes on the ground. He could not bring himself to look upon his King's majesty. Not like this. 

"Sir Hawthorn! My faithful servant, how are you?" The King exclaimed, coming down from the throne and extending his arms for a warm embrace. Sir Hawthorn ducked his head in a quick salute, but stepped back quickly to evade the embrace.

"My Lord, you will not think so highly of me once you have heard my news," Sir Hawthorn, eyes still lowered, willed his voice not to tremble. He had gotten the first part out. Now to just tell the news.

"What is it, my son? You do not need to fear telling me anything. Come, sit and talk," The King motioned to two chairs by a table. Sir Hawthorn reluctantly followed and took a seat beside his King. He felt ashamed to be sitting so near to Him. 

"Now tell me, what is it that troubles you?" the King asked, in a gentle voice. 

Sir Hawthorn did his best to keep the tears from rolling down his face, yet one escaped and slowly made a trail down his cheek. "I have failed you, my Lord. Yes, I have failed you," the last words were barely whispered.

"Ah, I see..... I believe I know what you are talking about," the King answered, slowly. 

"What? But how could you? I've only just returned," Sir Hawthorn replied, confused.

"Yes, that is so. But I still know. You feel you have failed because your recent quest failed. Is this correct?" 

Sir Hawthorn stared at the King for a moment, surprised. "Yes... yes, this is so," 

The King smiled sadly at Sir Hawthorn. "My son, you did not fail me. Not in the way you think. Your quest failed because it was a quest of your own making. I did not send you on the quest and you did not even seek my permission,"

"But I saw a need, Sire, and my desire to serve this need was great!" Sir Hawthorn argued.

"Indeed! I saw it was so. But still, this quest was not of my making and therefore, you feel as if you have failed because your quest did not end as planned."

Sir Hawthorn sat quietly, realizing his King's words were true indeed. 

"My son, did you receive my letter for the quest that I would have had you go on?"

"Yes," Sir Hawthorn replied quietly, once again looking at the ground in shame.

"And did you receive them before, or during your own quest?"

"Once before, sire, and once during," Sir Hawthorn replied, beginning to realize where this was going.

"Indeed, it was so. I knew you had gone on a quest of your own. I knew you were thinking of going on this quest before you even went! This was why I sent you the instructions for mine. And when you still left for your own, I sent you instructions once more, in hopes that you would listen and return home."

"But, my Lord, I felt that there was greater need for my quest. That it was more... important."

The King smiled sadly and looked into Sir Hawthorn's eyes. "And that, my son, is where you are very wrong. No quest of mine is too great or too small for the one I have given it to. You need only listen and fulfill that quest as best you are able in order to please me. I cannot make you go on the quests I send you. I do not want to make you. I wish for you to serve me with your whole heart and willingly because you choose to do so," 

"Yes, my Lord," Sir Hawthorn replied. "But the fact remains, that I *have* failed you,"

"Nay, that is not so. My quest is still standing. It still needs to be done. And there is time to complete it."

"But, my Lord.... I feel.. I feel as if I am not able to complete it. Not without your help," 

The King smiled and took Sir Hawthorn's hand. "And my help I will certainly give you, my son. You need only ask and I shall be by your side," 

Sir Hawthorn smiled and bowed his head, "Then I have only to receive Your instructions once again, my Lord, and I shall go on Your quest."

Have you ever felt like you 'failed' the Lord? Like He had given you a task to do, but somehow that task got lost among the many other 'bigger' things you could be doing?

I know I've had it. Many, many times. In fact, I had it just recently. The sense of failure. The knowing that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing.

See, as a writer, we sometimes get stuck in this sense of 'must be doing, must be doing'. And we're finding out what the most popular genre is at the moment so we can write some epic and amazing novel to put out there on the shelves of millions of book stores around the world. We start losing track of what our main goal is.

My most recent one was NaNoWriMo. I've written before about why I love this contest, so I won't repeat it again. But I was ready to participate and win and write a novel that I would publish and would become New York's Best seller, etc, etc, etc.  But I had something missing in my plan. A really big thing; God. I didn't have God in any of these plans. Sure I sort of halfheartedly prayed that God would give me inspiration and guidance on how to write this novel, but I wasn't focused on serving Him in it. I was focused on serving myself. I was tired of only being known as a 'children's author'. I wanted to write something my friends would read and actually enjoy. I wanted to write something that would become popular and talked about. I, I, I, I..... it's all about self.

So one evening, while driving home from work, I turned on the radio and heard a song. I don't remember what it was called or who it was by. But I do remember this... it was talking about "less of me, more of You, that who I want to be,". And the words struck a chord in my heart as I realized, "Lord, I have failed you. You gave me a task. A task that I thought was too small and not big enough. I got caught up in what the World thought of me instead of seeking You on a daily basis,". I started crying. Because you know what? This wasn't the first time I'd made that mistake. No, sir. I wish it was, but it wasn't.

As I cried, asking the Lord for forgiveness. And as I prayed, He said to me, "You haven't failed. Do the task that I already gave you and seek Me on it."

And so, feeling renewed again to go about my task, I began afresh. And isn't that wonderful that we can do that? That the Lord's mercies are new EVERY morning? It's beautiful and humbling.

So I 'failed' NaNoWriMo. I didn't get in a word count. I didn't get very far in my story. But I learned something far more valuable from it than I could have ever learned on my own. I may never come out with some big novel that hits the top 10 in book stores. Yet I will have something far better because it is the task, the quest that the Lord has given to me. And it is my honor to complete it, despite what others say, despite what I think, and despite the nagging that Satan gives me to tempt me to do something else.

And I have a feeling that this time, with the Lord by my side on His quest, I won't fail.

When We Wish We Had Superpowers

Do you remember when you were little? Remember playing superheros and coming up with all sorts of crazy super powers you had? I usually went with the drastic side and just said I had the superpower to defeat all other superpowers... Huh. Made for an interesting game with my brothers anyway.

I've outgrown so many of those games now, but I realized that I sometimes wish I could go back... It would be so nice if I could pretend, or better yet, actually have, the superpower to overcome that infernal thing called 'writers block'....

Seems like I wrote a post somewhere on how to tackle this little problem.. but, as is usually the case with 'professionals', we can be wrong! After exhausting all my 'brilliant' ideas, I find myself at a standstill with my writing. For me, this is especially frustrating because I no longer have control over my story. Rather difficult to write when you can't think of anything to write down.

Here is where it, once again, turns into a life lesson for me... It is actually rather interesting to see how many times the Lord has used my writing to teach me something. Probably more times than I would care to admit, but it's true.

This time He seems to be teaching me that, even if I have this 'schedule' in my mind of how this will all work out, even if I make myself sit down and write to 'train myself', even if I rack my brain for every possible idea that would fit in my story, He still has control. I guess He must be using this current writers block to teach me something, but I'm not exactly sure what just yet... however, here is something that I seem to have to learn over and over again....

See, sometimes there is a little thing that creeps into my writing... it's just a small thing, really, but it can make BIG problems. It's name is Pride. Ever heard of it? It can be rather frustrating, indeed.

When I was younger, I had dreams of being on Oprah and the Good Morning show for being the youngest novelist out there. The youngest novelist that actually wrote a good story, I should say. One that stunned adults with its complex plot twists and amazing conclusion. Yet, the years slipped by and nothing of the sort happened. If anything, I think it steered me away from actually reaching those goals. What happened instead is that nothing was perfect like I planned. My sentences sounded silly and unpolished, my storyline too plain. Therefore, I just didn't write. What was the point if it wasn't *perfect*?

Well, now that I'm 20 and only one book published so far (and not even an adult book, at that!), I've learned a lot. For one thing, it doesn't have to be perfect. That's why you edit. Yes, editing is a pain in the neck and really annoying, but it is something that has to be done in the writing process. Then, of course, you have to break it up into two different types of editing. What?!?! Yes, I know. Terrible. It's like multiplying the enemy by two. You have grammatical editing and then structure editing. The grammatical editing is probably the easiest because, when you are in the middle of a thought, it's hard to remember how to do your punctuations and such. The structure editing, however, is the toughest.  This is the part where you literally get your baby, er, I mean manuscript torn apart. It is extremely painful.

When I first started writing, I couldn't stand a single word of criticism against my writing. It cut me to the core if anyone made a suggestion on how I should change something. You may think I'm over exaggerating, but just ask any one of my family members.

However, here is an amazing thing I've learned. There is a way to disconnect yourself from your manuscript. See, when people criticise, we tend to think it reflects back on us and that they are criticising us. This is, of course, not true, but we feel it all the same.

As a writer, I think this is probably the most critical in your writing career. It doesn't even matter if you're good at telling a story at this point. What's important is learning to disconnect at the appropriate times.

So how do we do this? Because obviously you can't be emotionally disconnected when you are writing an emotional scene in your book. It wouldn't have that push and shove you're striving for if you did that. It would be bland and boring. In fact, in all of your writing, you have to have emotional connections. Yet, when it comes to editing, how do we pull that plug?

First thing you need to do is realize that your critics are *not* your enemies. They are not out to hurt or kill you, they really simply are doing their job: critiquing. You do your job of writing and they do their job of critiquing. Simple as that. Realizing this, now, will help you move beyond feeling like they are trying to stab in you in the back just because they 'don't like you' or wish they were published, too, so now they are going to slam you down with hate. True, there are some out there who do that, but for the most part, the ones critiquing your book are not like that. They truly want the best for you and only want to help polish up your book to make it shine.

Once you've got that fixed in your head (and it might take a while! I know it did for me.) you can now move on to step two. Try to have most of your critiquing and editing done via email. Don't have someone read part of your book in front of you, and don't ask for their opinion right away. For one thing you *both* need time to process. The reader needs to process what they've just read before they can give an honest opinion, and you need time to process what they say. With email, you can each reply at your leisure. They can come up with more tactful ways to critique/edit and you have time to read the email, process the information, then get back to them.  Even when I send things to my mom or sister to edit, I ask them to please reply to the email. It doesn't matter that we live in the same house and see each other every day. We don't even talk about it unless I bring up the subject. They've learned that sometimes I'm just not ready for a discussion because I'm still processing.

Here's something for you, the writer, to consider as well. If the editor says something is confusing. Don't explain it to them. If the storyline needs personal explaining because the reader didn't understand, *you* are the one that needs to change something. It's not the editor who is too stupid to understand.. you, friend, have not portrayed it correctly. Change it.

Hard blow, yes.. but see why I'm telling you this on my blog? =) Haha.

So what does this have to do with my pride anyway? Well, those were just a few things that I had to learn myself not too long ago. I realized that if I ever wanted to become a truly good writer, then I would need some training. Just like any truly great artist, they took hours and hours of practice time. Now, writing improvement may not show up as grandly as an amazingly painted portrait, but it will show and people will notice the difference.

Now with pride, I think it is good to keep ourselves humble by recieving critiques and maybe even an occasional bad review here and there. We aren't perfect therefore we can't expect our writing to be perfect. However, when you receive bad feedback via editor or reviewer, don't take it personally. Let it slide, listen to that they say, consider it and, if you think you need to, make the changes.

Just remember this... Only the best and purest gold has gone through several intense refining processes.

It's the Writing Biz

It feels like I've come back from a rather long trip and arrived home to a familiar place.... Basically, I have, since my lack of posting here could count me as 'missing' or "gone fishing"... hah!

In any case, I'm back again! Hello, nice to see you all once more. I have taken such a lovely break from writing. It truly was wonderful. Now, I can't say that I got to relax entirely, but I was able to accomplish so many different things during this break (First and foremost, getting my life back on somewhat of a routine!).

However, vacations can only last so long... and so, here I am again.

I'm so very excited because my book cover designer, Jeremiah Hoppman, has been working hard on my cover (and the results are simply A.M.A.Z.I.N.G, I might add). I can't wait to give an official 'release' and such.

Now, on a slight side note, I've recently been learning that personalities come into play for writers.. I didn't think it did before but boy oh boy was I wrong! My 'personality' type ("I" on the DISC profile) "needs deadlines and needs to realize that they need to meet those deadlines..." It doesn't sound pleasant to read something like that about yourself. Still, it's very true. I work best with deadlines because it motivates me to get done. Doing NaNoWriMo last year was one of the best exercises for actually 'meeting deadlines' I have ever done.

So my newest deadline? To get my book published by this summer. I'll keep you all posted on an official 'release' date and such, but for now, I'm just excited to say that I'll actually be getting it done! It has been a lot of work and stress, but I'm ready to get back in gear and embrace my writing like I used to. =)

Although I don't consider myself a 'professional' writer, I do realize that I need to treat myself as one. Meaning, set deadlines and goal, meet those deadlines and goals, and reward your self accordingly. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I'm still striving towards becoming a better writing. And that's what is important I think.

I tend to over analyze and expect everything to be perfect. I want my books to be perfect. I want my other projects to be perfect. I don't want any mess ups and I certainly don't want there to ever be a reason for a critic to not like my book. However, in the grand scheme of things, it will happen. I've slowly been learning to come to grips with that. In fact, whenever I do get my first negative review, I hope that I will keep an optimistic attitude about it. Funny thing, actually, I rather look forward to getting my first 'negative' review. Why? Because it means someone was honest. Sure, negative reviews might hurt your sales and such, but remember, I'm not a professional writer. I write because I love to write. I don't write for other people, I don't even write for myself, really. I write because God has given me a story, and I want to get it out on paper. If people enjoy my stories, then wonderful. If not, that's fine, too. Everyone has a different view and opinion of things.

So, for you other writers out there, remember that no negative comment or review will ever hurt you so long as you don't allow it to. As soon as you let yourself start feeling down or upset by it, you've begun to lose the battle. Take the criticism that was given with positive attitude, then step back and really consider if what they said was true. Because if it is, then you just might want to work or change it...

Perhaps this is a random ramble, but then again... writers do tend to be random. To end the post, here are a few funny/true things for writers:

When You've Reached Your Limit

I sometimes think that the purpose of this blog is to show how imperfect a writer I am. However, I also hope that perhaps it will be an encouragement to other writers that we *don't* have to be perfect!

The last month or so I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed. I really couldn't put a finger on what it was in my life that was stressing me out so much, but I definitely knew it was there. When I woke up sick on Sunday morning with a 'stress and lack of sleep' migraine, I knew that I really needed to reevaluate my schedule and life.

I began looking at what I had been doing the past couple of months. I have just started directing a drama group all on my own, and, a couple weeks into the semester, I was pulled in as a 'fill in' actor for another group. So directing and acting (thankfully a small part on the acting side, but still acting nonetheless). Then we just started up our busy season for the ranch- bull sales. Went to Oklahoma, and we have Tucumcari, Belen and Montana still to come. Then, we're also still in the middle of calving (which doesn't include me all that much, but I still feel involved). Oh, and to top it all off, I was trying to write over 50,000 in about two weeks.

Huh.

I just couldn't figure out what was going on! I mean, I knew I had lots going, but seriously? I can handle this. Right?

Wrong. After an emotional breakdown last night, and a wonderful, wisdom filled conversation with my mom and, later on, my dad, I realized what my problem was. I simply had too much going on. As my mom and I talked, I realized that one of the things that was stressing me out the most was trying to finish this book in time for CAPE convention this April. I knew that I would really be straining to get it done, but one of the things I realized and what scared me the most? I wasn't enjoying writing.

In fact, I pretty much hated it. I wasn't getting inspiration for my story, and I had gotten into the 'writer's block rut' where I was simply writing just to get a word count in. Not a wise idea. And it has always been the biggest pet peeve to me. I used to say (and still do, sometimes) "forget the word count and just write a story!"  Who cares if it passes up the 50,000 word count in order to qualify for a 'novella' or what have you. Write the story, write it well, and be content. I told my mom that if I were to get my story published by convention, I wouldn't be proud of it. I wouldn't be satisfied with the way it turned out because I would know it was slapped together.

That's when I realized something.

I'm not a professional author.

I thought perhaps that idea might alarm me, but actually, it brought a lot of peace. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't write because I want to make money with my writing skills. I write because I love it. I love the thrill of developing characters and the shivers I get when I construct a great sentence. I love it when I feel proud of the story I wrote. It's even better when I know that I did my best and that it turned out well.

Most importantly, I love being able to write to the Glory of God. However, if I am writing just to write and become famous, or churn out so many books a year with no inspiration from Him, what sort of a writer am I? I fall into the common writer's category of folks who just want to make a living off of writing. Now, before I go further, I do want to say that there are several authors that I enjoy that know how to write a book, but they also know how to write several books in a year. I admire them for it, and I praise the Lord that there are authors out there like that. However, I have realized that it isn't my dream to be famous. It used to be, yes (yeah, I was determined to go on Oprah Winfrey and on all major news stations as being the youngest writer who could write an amazing book.. oh, and let's not forget the New York Time's best seller.). However, that dream has been changed into something else. I want to write because I love it. I don't mind if people don't like my stories. That's ok. If I get a 2 star review, it might hurt for a bit, but it really won't bother me in the long run because I don't want to make it a business to write.

A wise 'Titus 2 woman' friend of mine once told me, "Yup, once I started doing such and such for a business I really didn't enjoy it anymore... so be careful what you turn into a business". Of course, there are lots of people out there who have turned a passion into a business and, more often than not, you have to have a passion for what you do in order to keep it thriving.

I guess I'm just one of those people who need to learn how to keep a business while still having the passion for what I do.

So, all this to say that I have decided I won't have a book ready for convention in April. I will go to convention with my one book that I published last year, and I will be proud of it. Then I will just tell other folks about the new book coming out in the summer. Then, I'll have more time to get it done, but I'll still have a deadline (I do better with those). =)

Now to all you new authors (and perhaps 'older' authors who have been doing this for a while). Don't be afraid to admit when you've got too much on your plate. It's better to back out of a few things than to do a bunch of things halfheartedly or to realize that you didn't do a good job on all of the things you signed up for. I would much rather do a few things in life and be proud of how I did and feel satisfied and content than to be overloaded and burn out way too quickly.

I'm off to enjoy a less stressful, more enjoyable month of writing. Feeling very much at peace with the decision the Lord helped me to make (I think He has probably been telling me to do this for a long time, and I just haven't wanted to admit it...). I'll just look forward to releasing a book in the summer.

Toodlepip and Cheerio, my author friends!

When God's Plans are Bigger than Yours

I have learned that I will never quit learning how much bigger God's plans are than my own. Unfortunately I feel as if it will be my 'constant companion' throughout the years. It is so easy to get caught up in what you want to do, your own personal interests, that you forget to consult the Ultimate Planner.

I often times pray, when a big decision needs to be made, for God to show me what to do. However, I sometimes forget that God has a plan for ALL of my life, not just parts of it. He not only cares about what I do tomorrow, but He also cares about what I do for the rest of the week. He cares about everything that involves me, and yet I treat Him as an outsider, forgetting to ask Him what His grand plans are.

I like the plans I make, sometimes. Yet I also get tired of trying to run my own life, sometimes. It seems to be a constant battle between flesh and Godly desires.
I am reminded rather often of how much I forget to include God in my planning. I was reminded yet again at church and Bible study this past Sunday.

But, right there is my problem. See, in my above sentence I said that I forget get to 'include' God, as if He is the one that needs to be included. Instead, I should be asking myself, How can I be included in HIS plans? How can I seek His counsel at every waking moment so that I know what it is HE wants of ME, instead of asking what I want from Him.

The other day I learned that lesson once again (which, maybe I should say I 'experienced' that lesson, because I obviously didn't learn it the first time if I had to be taught again!).
As some of you may know, I was really looking forward to possibly publishing my first young adult novel. It was the story I did for the month of November (NaNoWriMo) and I thought for sure, because of some different things which I won't list here, that I was going to publish it. That God wanted me too. Yet, somehow, deep inside, I knew that wasn't so. Yet I kept pushing onward, continually working on it and ignoring something I knew that I needed to be working on. I continued like this all through December, trying to deceive myself and others that I was truly getting this book published.

Thank the Lord for His goodness and Mercy, though. One night, as I was working on my book, I suddenly hit a wall. Literally. I felt as if I was bumping into an invisible bubble of sorts. I couldn't go anywhere with my book. My writing started sounding cheesy. The storyline was changing into something I didn't like. My fingers froze over the keyboard as the thought suddenly struck me full force. Stop. Just stop and listen. 

I tried to ignore it. I knew what was coming and I really didn't want to listen to this. Not right now. Yet it still urged me, the voice getting louder and stronger. I stopped. I couldn't resist any longer. It hurt too much, really. Whenever we fall out of God's will, I think it hurts. A lot. Because we know that what we might be doing is wrong. So, I did stop. I listened. I cried. I begged. I finally, with much reluctance, accepted.

I felt peace.

Sweet peace. There really is something to be said for it. It was such a stark contrast to what I had been feeling before. The turmoil was gone, only peace flooded my senses and flowed into my heart. It may sound somewhat melodramatic or something, but it is extremely true. God was clearly telling me that I wasn't supposed to publish my young adult novel. The prize of my writing. It wasn't to be done. I didn't like hearing it, but so be it.

I relinquished that book to God and basically said, "Your will be done,". I felt sad at first. Yet, even now, having been several days since that night, I have still felt such peace. I will continue on with my young reader books. I don't know how many I'll do. I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to do the next one yet. I'm still waiting. For what? I'm not really sure. Yet God has given me the peace to wait. Just wait.

It is probably one of the hardest things to do, but there ya have it. I would greatly covet your prayers that God would show me what I need to do and where I need to go.

This may seem like an odd post for a writing/author blog, but it's something very important to me, and I wanted to share because 1.) I didn't want to be deceiving all of you, and 2.) I wanted to ask for prayers.

So, there ya have it, folks. And update for y'all that I hope makes some semblance of sense. ;-)